Growth

I'm having a root canal done.

And I say "having" because it's been a very long active process. 

This story really has nothing to do with my root canal, but it starts out that way.

I have been in for four appointments to have it worked on and things just keep going wrong and taking longer than expected.  

I have some serious anxiety when it comes to going to the dentist. As in panic attack, crying in the lobby, etc. So one would think I would go to the best and fastest endodontist who ever lived right? Unfortunately that was going to cost us a small fortune so I decided to go to a dental college. My student doctor has been amazing and has really worked on helping me through my anxiety and fears. But it does mean it's taking longer than normal. 

I finally got the root canal therapy done today. So happy about that! I'll have to go back in March to have a crown put on and that will take a few appointments too, but tonight I'm just celebrating :)

As I was laying in the chair today with my eyes closed, trying to think of anything else but what was happening inside my mouth I started thinking about the whole experience and why it was happening. I started thinking about what I should take from all of it. Maybe it is Heavenly Father putting me in a situation to have to face and overcome my fears and anxiety.

 I have prayed and begged for growth, to be a better version of myself. Well He heard me and He answered, like He always does. I think I have been resisting it. Resisting the growth that I so desperately need. I think it's been a little bit out of confusion and out of wanting to be in control. I wanted it on my terms, in my way. Why do I fight so hard for control? Especially from my Heavenly Father? I know that He knows everything, has a perfect plan for my life. And even if I doubted that in regards to my future, I know how true it is for my past. Everything always works out. It really does. And for the most part it all works out pretty darn well. My life is so good, so blessed, so beautiful. Why do I ever doubt the Lord's plan or love for me? I guess that is all part of the process. All part of growth, faith, testimony, improving who we are, not being perfect, but striving to be. 

So today I am turning my life over to the Lord. I have been going through the motions of this my whole life and often times have actually done it, but I am not sure the last time I opened up my heart and mind to feel of the Lord's love for me, to feel His spirit, to accept His peace. I often want to give my Savior all the bad parts and pieces, and say, "here take these away from me.", but I'm realizing I also need to give him my joy and my happiness and my time and all the talents that I already have and say "here, what should I do with these?" 

I know this will be a process too, nothing happens in a moment. It happens in lots of small moments and choices that all add up to be something big. Something like becoming what God wants me to be. Something like following the plan He has for me. 

My heart is open. The openness started as a crack, but it's growing bigger all the time from the pressure of love, and hope and despair and need. Those things all push it to open up a little more all the time. I am grateful for those feelings, for this growth. Grateful for it all, even if it hurts a little, or a lot, or if it feels strange at first. 

That's all part of the process.