I didn't know...

The day Jackson was born I didn't know that I could love something, or even someone that much.

I didn't know motherhood would hurt so bad. (Like that same kind of pain when a muscle is strengthened.)

I didn't know that my heart would mold into a different shape entirely.

I didn't know that I would stand at his crib rocking him until he fell asleep and then finally lay him down, so peacefully, then I would leave the room and cry.

I didn't know that all his growth and learning would make me a little sad, because I'm saying goodbye to a little part of him forever. 

I didn't know that my heart would feel so much all the time.

I didn't know that I would get bored sometimes.

I didn't know that I would feel guilty all the time.

I didn't know that doing what's best for him would not always be easy.

I didn't know that everything I did would feel like I was doing it wrong and that I'd have to look inside myself so hard to find the moments that felt right.

I didn't know I would be so happy.

I didn't know what being a momma truly meant.

(I'm not sure I still don't, I think it comes with every day and every moment. And we have a lot of moments to go.)

I didn't know I would feel so whole and complete.

It surprises me now that I didn't know all this before. Because now that I know it's so obvious, of course this is what it all feels like. I do feel like a women who is being transformed. Slowly, but transformed all the same, into the kind of mother Jackson deserves, the kind of wife Brandon needs me to be and the kind of women God intends me to be. 

It's powerful to be aware of that. 

It creates a sort of reverence for my day to day life. That all of those small tasks and moments and little things will make up who I am for the eternity.